Monday, December 9, 2019

Please watch over him and keep him safe and feeling loved. He is.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

I love my time of praying to you for G's happiness, safety and health and to send him my love. It is a sweet time. I love it.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

To "You":
You know that if you don't want to be my friend it is your choice that I must endure and would do so gracefully (or maybe a few tears in private) but you don't ever have to avoid me, because I hold you in such high esteem and I am gentle. I would always be an ear and a shoulder for you, no matter what. I will love you with my dying breath and the last beat of my heart, then I will join my guardian angel and look out for you from Heaven.

Friday, November 1, 2019

It has been such a long time since seeing, or speaking with him. I am always sad. I was surprised when I cried and cried last night. I felt as if I would never stop. Please help me get through this, but most of all, keep him safe. Please send him my love.

Monday, October 21, 2019

If I have made mistakes, I am so sorry. He has my heart. I love everything about him. I will always take care of him and love him forever. I hurt so much. I am kind of falling apart, because I don't trust them.

I could barely sleep.

Each day goes by so slowly.

Friday, October 18, 2019

When I was so ill, all I could think was how scared I was to think I could die without seeing him again.

Please keep him safe and always knowing he is so very loved.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

I am very glad that I am doing so much better. I was so ill I felt like I was ebbing away.

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

I love his loyalty to those he cares about.

If I am too sick to drive, or have someone drive me, I will call 911.

I will go tomorrow, if I can.

I was so sick last night, I could not hold my head up. I have tried to stay relaxed and lying down. I will probably see about an MRI, but not sure what I have for coverage for it. I have only basic. But this has been going on too long.

I may need to go get an MRI. I have been sick for around 2 weeks. (Dizzy, nauseated, bad, bad headaches.)

Monday, October 14, 2019

I feel so sick. I need help.

I feel awful. I think I need an MRI.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

My stepfather just passed on. My mother is fragile. I need to make her my priority and keep her from despair. She said a poem I had written for the one I love, was a comfort to her right now. I feel honored.
I wish I had the one I love near to me and able to speak to him. I miss him and need him.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

I think things will soon be over. And it will be lovely.

I wish I could know if he ever thinks of me.

My heart is in his hands. He is my hero, my friend, my protector and the one I love.

Friday, October 11, 2019

I want to see him again.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

I no longer get to use my online health account. It was slammed down a few years ago. Ask Dr. Koa.

Of course I love him.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

The horrible man will do anything to keep me from seeing my friend again. But it is all I want to do. I hope he will see me; I live for it, nothing else.

So, people could throw false law at me, yell at me all of which made me suspicious and worried and made me protective and desperate, but I screwed up? I was frightened to death and wanted to save someone I care about, yet I am the bad guy? I was never told any rules, etc, yet I was supposed to understand? I think that instead of it making me a dumbass, or bad, why doesn't show that I would do anything for someone I care about, even at the risk my own safety? So, I have added on more time, because I worried? That is crazy. I can be beaten up and taunted and that is okay, but my trying to protect a loved one gets me punished? Wow. I hope you see the wrong in that. All I knew was it was false law and it scared me. Does no one care how sad and in such despair it has made me? It is like being told to win a chess tournament without ever knowing how to play....or the rules. I don't feel like a fool, I feel like people got a thrill from my suffering and the precious time off of my life. What sadistic people created this? I have lived an absolute, horrific nightmare. I guess I just sit here and wait for what ever cruel thing happens next? I have been sobbing my eyes out for days and am so tired I can barely stand it and I am the one who is punished?

My disgust is endless. My health has suffered. This was a terrible joke and not funny. It was grown up bullying. I am angry. Life is short enough and I have had horror through much of it. All I can say is fuck you to everyone who made me suffer and want to die many times over. It was inhumane.
Cp

I don't understand. I guess I don't belong in this world. No one cares how much I hurt. I could never allow that for anyone else. I care about people. I cannot process this. C
Hide quoted text
On Wed, Oct 9, 2019, 6:14 AM Haviva von Martinitz <countessprague@gmail.com> wrote:
So, people could throw false law at me, yell at me all of which made me suspicious and worried and made me protective and desperate, but I screwed up? I was frightened to death and wanted to save someone I care about, yet I am the bad guy? I was never told any rules, etc, yet I was supposed to understand? I think that instead of it making me a dumbass, or bad, why doesn't show that I would do anything for someone I care about, even at the risk my own safety? So, I have added on more time, because I worried? That is crazy. I can be beaten up and taunted and that is okay, but my trying to protect a loved one gets me punished? Wow. I hope you see the wrong in that. All I knew was it was false law and it scared me. Does no one care how sad and in such despair it has made me? It is like being told to win a chess tournament without ever knowing how to play....or the rules. I don't feel like a fool, I feel like people got a thrill from my suffering and the precious time off of my life. What sadistic people created this? I have lived an absolute, horrific nightmare. I guess I just sit here and wait for what ever cruel thing happens next? I have been sobbing my eyes out for days and am so tired I can barely stand it and I am the one who is punished?
My disgust is endless. My health has suffered. This was a terrible joke and not funny. It was grown up bullying. I am angry. Life is short enough and I have had horror through much of it. All I can say is fuck you to everyone who made me suffer and want to die many times over. It was inhumane.
Cp

This is what broken feels like.

I've been sobbing again. It even scares me. I have been desperately sad.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Follow me - John Denver

Monday, October 7, 2019

Please keep him safe.

Each day he would make my life beautiful.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

"They say when you meet the love of your life...time stops."
I have, it did.

Friday, October 4, 2019

I would work hard to be in Be
shape. He motivated me before....
It would happen again.

Doing pretty well. Hope he is too. He is one smart guy.

"There are very few things in life that come without a cost." There is no cost too great for me to care about you. It is all I could want. I would do anything for you.

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Reading "Franny and Zooey". It just happened to be in my car. I grabbed it before being dropped off. It makes me think of you.

I wish he were here. I want a hug.

Dead tired.

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Blessed Feast Day!

Dear Cheryl,

I hope you are able to take time today to celebrate with us the life and spirit of our dear friend, St. Therese. The Carmelites will remember you and your intentions at all of their Feast Day Masses, especially at the National Shrine in Darien, IL.

While many pilgrims from all over are joining us at the National Shrine, we know not everyone can be here. That is why I am inviting you to join us in our Feast Day Novena Prayer. This special prayer will be recited at our Feast Day Masses.

St. Therese Feast Day Novena

St. Therese, Flower of fervor and love, please intercede for us.
Fill our hearts with your pure love of God.
As we celebrate your Feast Day,
make us more aware of the goodness of
God and how well He tends His garden.
Instill in us your little way of doing
ordinary things with extraordinary love.

Give us the heart of a child who wonders
at life and embraces everything with loving enthusiasm.
Teach us your delight in God’s ways
so that divine charity may blossom in our hearts.
Little Flower of Jesus, bring our petitions

(mention in silence here)

before God, our Father.

With your confidence, we come before Jesus
as God’s children,
because you are our heavenly friend.
As we celebrate the Feast Day of your
homecoming in heaven, continue to
shower roses and grace upon us.

Amen

We invite you to submit any prayer petitions for her Feast Day by visiting our website. Thank you for your great devotion to St. Therese and for being a faithful supporter of the Carmelites.

Let Us Pray For You

Feast Day Blessings,

Fr. Tom Schrader, O. Carm.
Society of the Little Flower, Director

United States: 1313 N Frontage Rd • Darien, IL 60561 • Tel: 1.800.621.2806 | Canada: 7020 Stanley Ave. • Niagara Falls, ON L2G 7B7 • Tel: 1.800.922.7622

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I wonder if he could possibly ever love me?

He would always be my first priority.

I want to talk to him all day and all night.

Life is fragile.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Only his presence would make it more beautiful here.

Of course, I will just respond to him, I 5would not be forward.

I wish so much I could see him again, but only if he wants me to, of course. I could never imagine loving anyone else. I feel lost without him.

I can think of nothing more lovely than being near him again. I don't want anything that would not please him, though.
But, I love him so much and want to take care of him. It is only his call, if that can happen. I respect his wishes, because I respect him. He makes all my emotions flow and keeps me feeling alive. It is amazing.

Sunday, September 29, 2019

I will love him through thick & thin.He knows that.I hope he trusts me,like I trust him .

Saturday, September 28, 2019

I am spending my day in rest, prayer, introspection and thoughts of him (the best part).

He looked so cute in his glasses.

If the end of the world were to arrive I 'd want to spend every last moment holding him and looking into his eyes.

I live for positive signs from wherever I find them.

I do the best I can to stay alive. It is weird how some people think their lives are more important than others. So they end up feeling fine about hurting others and treat them like bugs to be squashed. Money and power should be used for happiness, but not for cruelty.

Why can't some people just allow life to happen and not put their own will into it all? How can they feel good about themselves knowing they are hurting someone?

Some people think that a trap is being set up for me and I will will "disappear."

Friday, September 27, 2019

I am devoted to him and will do anything for him.

I will always love him.

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

I was told it was supposed to be over....

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

I do not understand why they try and make me feel like he has issues, but who doesn't? I don't care. Love does not end because someone may have to deal with difficulties in their lives. I am not a "fair weather friend."

He is the one I care about.

I don't know what to do. I am torn. I always feel like I am doing something wrong.

Monday, September 23, 2019

I have evidence that the restraining order is false, so with the warrant out for my arrest, I can get a free attorney who will blow the case out of the water in 2 seconds and make the County waste money on an unnecessary trial and make the DA look like a cruel moron who is further going after an innocent woman with health issues who merely gave her doctor a few thank you gifts for his dedicated work! I think the public outcry would be enormous! The attorney who put my doctor's name on the restraining order should go to jail! He abused the legal process and put me in jail for no reason except to be vindictive! (and to please his ACTUAL client!, not my doctor).

Sunday, September 22, 2019

I could not live if I hurt him. I just could not. He is everything to me. I want to love him and take care of him, no matter what he thinks of me.

I am sorry if I make mistakes. I truly am not used to living the way those bad people live, I am just trying to stay alive. Very little in my life. It is microscopically small, but my caring is big.

All I want to do is see him again and do what he decides. Ideally, I would like him to own my home with me and live as a person who is free to live as he chooses. I would love to take care of him and make his life happy. I will love him forever.

Friday, September 20, 2019

My head keeps hurting and I am dizzy. Not feeling well at all.

He takes care of me. He has a beautiful heart. I love him.

Tell the bad people to stop!

Thursday, September 19, 2019

I wish I could see you. I was hoping......

I hope I find I am healthy.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

I am just going to continue on as normal just do what I was planning to do.

Billie Holiday - "i´ll be seeing you"

Johnny Mathis. Sweet Thursday.

Sometimes I feel like a frightened child.

Monday, September 16, 2019

I miss talking to him. I miss his thoughtfulness. I miss his eyes and his smile. I miss how he seemed so happy to see me. He made me feel so good. I miss how connected to him I felt and how it felt like we could talk without saying anything. I feel so deflated without him around. It is like having no charger and I have run down my battery. Being around him was just the most amazing way to feel. Nothing else compares.

I would do whatever he suggested to me.

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Be safe, he is so precious to me.

It is strange how some people think that they are so "high and mighty" that they are above the law and can hire "hitmen" to go after the people they do not like! That is astonishing! They obviously do not think they are doing anything wrong! If they were ever to try and put someone down and claim to be superior, I would say, "well I am not a criminal, BUT YOU ARE!" Some people should be knocked off their pedestal, but it would hurt too many other people who may look up to that arrogant person! Don't ever let that person bully you, you have right on your side, she does not!

Friday, September 13, 2019

"I'm still me."

~"Penelope"

His Sweet Face

I wish I could hold his sweet face in my hands. I would probably cry, though.

🍎

I really miss talking to him and emailing him.

I am always going on "snail patrol" in the early A.M. while my dog does her "business". I pull the snails off my veggie plants and send them on a flying vacation to elsewhere. I cannot understand their love of the zucchini leaves, they are a bit spiky and tough. Not sure how well they will grow in a crowded pot. I may have to transplant a few. I will have to be covert..... 😁

I need to know that he is okay. It makes me feel anxious not knowing.

Eye For an Eye, Misapplied

I guess I was supposed to be humiliated and given a jail sentence, etc for my perceived wrong doings. I was supposed to be degraded and reviled. Well, I hope that they got what they needed out of my suffering.
Pathetic.

I never felt this way about anyone before....

Thursday, September 12, 2019

I have such a strong sense of pain and loss.

This has been hard on me, but I am doing the best I can, I feel so alone at times and frustrated, because cruelty has been allowed with no sort of admonishment for them. It is, as many people say, the not knowing is the worst and creates the most anxiety in a person.

I never lost faith in him, or you. You both could never know how much it has meant to me. There were times when that awful man in charge said such terrible things I felt like dying, but when I felt the power of love, I knew I could survive. It made me fight the horrible man, but strengthened my dedication to you. I worried that if I did not fight, it might cause you to be harmed, but I also worried that I could ruin whatever might be required. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I had to be explicit, but careful too. I just want to see you again and talk to you. This has been terrible, but my faith and trust in you is strong and never faltered, even when I was told to think otherwise. I cannot tell you how many times they told me that you hated me, but I refused to believe it. I only trust you. You have class. They do not know the meaning of it.
You are loved....by me forever. No matter what.

I hope he lets me show him how well I would take care of him and care for him.

You and he have always kept me safe and kept me going, but sometimes I get so sad. It is due to the things the horrible man said. He is lower than a snake. I am sure the full moon will look lovely on the ocean tonight.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Touching Lives~

Monday, September 9, 2019

Touching Lives~

A tender touch upon
me
he graced
conveyed to me a
loving place

Away from cruel and abject
pain
Inflicted by a terror reign

He showed me from his
comfort deeds
that others come before
self-needs

Scoffing at impending
peril
Protection loomed in him
as feral

I never knew one so kind or
gallant
Nor one who displayed such
remarkable talent

His protection and love
he was sweetly so sharing
Created in me a lifetime of
caring.

~Haviva

(c) HVM 2019

Sunday, September 8, 2019

“For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy.” ~ St. Therese de Lisieux

Friday, September 6, 2019

My tomatoes are growing very nicely. It makes me happy to see the plants grow. I even have a cabbage. I have zucchini in a pot and sneaked one over the fence to grow, and some beans in pots, but I keep having to pull off snails....they look big and healthy....and they bring the family!

Thursday, September 5, 2019

I miss him so much.

I know he would never hurt me, but I do not trust the others.

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

It's just that I hold anyone with great disdain and anger if they hurt him, or treat him disrespectfully. He is the most wonderful person and should be treated as such.

I trust him with my fragile heart. I hope he understands where I was coming from and understands I was being protective, since I have been so worried. It has been such a terrible situation; I do what I can out of my confusion and emotions. It came out of good intentions and love. I am worried, but I do trust. I just don't have much self-esteem.
I love him so much.

I will always want to share my home with him.

He doesn't need to be anyone to me, if he doesn't want. I would understand.I will always be there for him, though.

I want to know him in a normal situation. I want to enjoy the person he is. I want to take care of him the way he took care of me. I want to make him happy and in turn it will make me happy too. I have never wanted anything more.

I have never known anyone who could make me so breathless when I thought about him, or have dreams about looking into his eyes. He was there for me late into the night and many, many times after. I am no prize, but he makes me feel like the most important person in the world. No matter the problems, if any, I will be there. I just hope I can be forgiven for all mine. He makes life special and wondrous. If I had the chance to be near him, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

You know that I will never stop being in love with him.

“Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice, here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love.” ~“The Little Flower,” St. Therese of Lisieux

I feel so sad lately and I just could not take the anxiety any longer.

Please let him know I love him and always will, no matter where I am.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Happy Birthday to you for your lovely son. Such a blessing!

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Happy Mother's Day to my guardian angel, with love always!

My blessing in Heaven.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

End Times-

Devotedly I wait

for him

through

darkened nights

as stars

grow dim

I search in hope

of

velvet dreams

That prayers will soften

flowing

streams

I mourn a love that

stays

inside

It can't escape

nowhere to hide

The pain

intense

a

cross I bear

A worried mind

A somber

stare

I look to find a

noble deed

To calm my mind

and

stop

The need

to watch

each moment

ticking by

I don't have

strength

To even

Try

My tears have stopped

My soul descended

Sometimes my life

feels nearly

ended

-Haviva

(C) HVM 2019

I love him so.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Thank you for looking after me and keeping me from despair.
You are love.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Please keep him safe and feeling loved. Thank you.

“A word or a smile is often enough to put fresh life in a despondent soul.”
― St. Thérèse de Lisieux

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